Thursday, October 13, 2011

Fall and other things...

Hello fall...goodbye summer. Time to put away the shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Time to break out the warm fluffy sweaters that give as much warmth as they do comfort. Time for stews, apple pies and other delicious warm things out of the oven. Time for steaming cups of hot cocoa in that favorite mug of yours with that book you've been dying to read or that movie you've been longing to watch.
Fall is a time for us to slow down and relax after a long busy, hectic summer. I enjoy fall and seeing the leaves turn colors, the rain and the puddles and seeing the kids as they just can't resist jumping in one. There is something about that splash that is so exciting and irresistible. 
As the weather turns colder I am drawn to my worktable where I am making jewelry for the winter bazaars. I have so much I want to do and so many new techniques I want to try. My weekends are busy with trying to squeeze in some creative time among all the other tasks it takes to keep house and still work a full day. 
I have been enjoying watching my grand daughter grow and learn new things and she is such a joy to me. I feel very blessed to have been given the gift of her and her life, she is so very special to us all. My oldest grand son Enrique is visiting family in California, trying to find himself and figure out what to do with his future now that he has graduated from high school. My other grandson, Damien is in the fourth grade now and is doing well in his studies and seems to have finally adjusted to a routine that is compatible with his life. He is a happy child and very loving. 
I am transitioning all my craft "stuff" to the downstairs family room. It will be nice to have every thing in one place finally. Its hard but I have to make it all fit and that will mean getting rid and saying good bye to some craft things that I have held on to but need to let go so that they don't keep "whispering" to me-" use me, use me". If I pass them on to someone else then they will get used and their voices will be quiet. Then I will be able to pay attention the the things that I really want to do and not be concerned with things that aren't getting used. Sounds silly, but it makes sense to me. 
I hope to post some pictures of some of my "creations" soon. Till then...Happy Fall and stay warm.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Isabella and other things

The newest person in our family is my new grand daughter Isabella and as you may see by the picture above she is everything that she expresses. She has brought joy, love, laughter, and new beginnings to all of our lives.
She was born on June 12th, 2011 at Harrison Silverdale to my beautiful daughter Genevieve and her husband Aaron. She is the long awaited daughter to her and long awaited grand daughter to me. When I look at her I see my daughter, my mother and my grandmother in her eyes. I see all of our family. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older...I just turned 60 this year and although the calendar says I'm that age, my mind, my attitude and everything else says "huh?". I feel like I have so much left to do, so much left to see, so much left to learn and experience yet my own time clock is ticking down. It's a scary feeling and one that I imagine most people feel when they get to their own certain age. When I had breast cancer back when I was in my forties, I didn't feel that mortality thing that they say some people do, and I always wondered why? I knew then-somehow- that I wasn't going to die. I was going to beat it and I did. I always knew that there might be that possibility but I never really felt death near me. I knew it was serious, of course but I couldn't see my self dying, not yet at least. Now that I'm 60, I wonder how many really good years will I have left to do all those things that I want to do before my health and body fails me. I'm starting to look more seriously at my relationships and the things that I do and I realize that I need to live my life for me and to make myself happy.
What this brings to mind is the last post I made about my relationship with my husband and how things where just spiraling downwards...well things have changed so much. We went to counseling but ended up hearing more about the counselors life and times than we did about our own. We figured counseling doesn't work for us. We decided to make one last all out effort to make things work and so far so good. Things are slow, but things are getting better. We can live with each other and I have had to let some things go that bothered me before. I think you call it compromise. I'm going to try to give it my all and I hope that he will too. I still know what he needs to do to make our lives completely compatible but I don't know if he is willing to give it up. I know that I can't control it and I can't let it encompass my thoughts, my mind and my day to day life. I just have to give it up to the "gods that be" and see what happens. Whenever I have tried to control something, havoc, chaos and general mayhem results, so I'm just going to try to give that up.
One of my biggest goals - my most important goal is to lose weight. I don't know how I'm going to do it and I don't know when I'm going to start. But it is something I want to do for myself and for my longevity.
It's a purely personal thing and as long as I keep it that way I may just succeed.
What's on the agenda...
School (work for me) starts soon, so its back to that
Two big bazaars are coming up in November and so it's back to crafting and making things to sell
The county fair is in town and I have a couple of pictures in judging (this time I went Advanced) so we shall see how they do. And I also put in some jewelry.
That's pretty much it except for I need to visit the ocean soon...I feel a need to stand at the edge of the water and let it all out...refresh, renew and start again. Got to get there soon. So I can start over.

Later....

Monday, June 27, 2011

Schools out for summer...

And for work.  I work in an elementary school. Now it's summer vacation and i'm off. Time for many things, like crafting, visiting the beach, visiting with friends...real visits - not these catch up things in the coffee house and then a quick hug and on your way. But day visits-doing things like going to craft stores, playing a game or having a real meal together! Ooo la la! Time to do the things that I don't have time for during the work days.

This month of June has marked a milestone in my life. My grandson whom I (me and the husband) have been raising has graduated. Now he is an adult. So no more pushing him to do homework, be home at a certain time, etc. Now he is virtually on his own, but not really cause he doesn't have a job or life plan....yet. He "wants" to get a job, he "wants" to go to college, he "wants" to visit his other family down in Cali, but doesn't have an idea on how to make this all work. Still needs to write his thank you notes for his grad gifts, still needs to take his driving test, still needs to register for the draft AND still needs to clean up his room. 18 is just a number and has no magical properties. But I know all mom's know that, and even some grandmoms who are raising children.
It has been a great experience and has kept me young. But now Im done. Truly done. Only me to worry about as far as getting up and going to work in the fall. The rest is up to him.
As for my relationship spoken of in previous posts...well thats a train wreck. Counseling isn't helping, not that it should after only 2 sessions, but it's clear to me that what is needed is major surgery. The cutting of the cord, if you will, between him and I. Somewhere along the way, we changed into two very different people from whom we were when we first started and never reconnected. He's a good person, I'm a good person, but we don't like each other as who we have become. There's a lot of resentment towards me on his part and for me...I'd be willing to change, work on it ,etc if only I could get him to communicate what it was I needed to change. He says I don't like what he says when he does talk...ok....do I have to?  Is that a requirement for communicating? That one needs to like what the other says? Last time I checked, the answer was no.  I see it as just an excuse for not talking. See...it's like this. When you don't talk-you don't have to be responsible or own up for anything you say. No one can hold you to anything cause there isn't anything to hold you to!
Good trick huh? Well...it's working for him. Just not working for me. And so I am living with a "zombie" who does a great performance of the living dead daily.
Can't afford a divorce...at least not yet. So im resigned to living here until that changes. It's not so bad...I have my kids, my friends and all my creative ventures-oh and the internet. Bless you internet gods-you keep me sane.
Over and out-for now.
Cat

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hello, hello? Anyone out there?

Sometimes I don't know why I write this, except that it is somewhat cathartic. I get a chance to post some of my feelings, of course not too many cause I don't want to scare people away. My life is like, for lack of a better word, like a roller coaster. Well maybe not my life but my relationship is. Somedays its ok, and I can deal with stuff...but then somedays I just want to take my stuff and run away. Running away ALWAYS involves taking my stuff with me. I have several crafts that I enjoy doing and I can't imagine starting over with out all my craft stuff and books. So you see I guess Im not going to run away anytime soon, unless I have a UHaul handy. The reason I want to run away is that I am tired of being in what I call a one sided relationship. My SO (significant other-male just so you know) and I have been together over 25 years and been thru some heavy stuff and even though we are still together - neither of us is very happy. We have gone thru- navy deployments, my cancer, his infidelities/love child, his drinking/smoking, my spendy habits, and raising a grandson.  Any one of those is a lot to handle. and they didn't all happen at the same time but they did happen. We got thru each one..but the one that makes/made the worst effect was the infidelities. There were two...one of which resulted in a child. I didn't find out about it until like 14 years after it happened and quite accidentally. I guess for the most part I got over the fact that the man I trusted with my love and devotion didn't see fit to let me know that he was unhappy -so unhappy that he went from one woman straight to another.  I finally purged him of all the details that I needed to know even though he just wanted me to forget and forgive. For him it was years ago..for me it was fresh! But knowing all I needed to know did help with some of the getting over at least part of it. The toughest part is learning to trust him again,